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YOUR HUSBAND HAS A MISTRESS. WHAT TO DO? TO BEAT HER, BE HER . . . THEN PRESENT HIM YOUR POSTNUP

Chantale Suttle • February 14, 2023
A woman in red lipstick wears an eye mask.

If you are the faithful wife facing an unfaithful husband, this post is for you.


It doesn't matter whether you label that third party the "mistress," the "other woman," the "homewrecker," the "slut," or whatever comes to mind.


What matters is that she and your husband already did the damage.


The future of your marriage is threatened: do you want to stay, which will require both of you to do the work, including some tricky, unpleasant navigation?

 

Do you want to play just as dirty strategically as the mistress? If you choose this option, you will be playing chess, not checkers, which means those moments of wondering about the mistress’ new highlights, her better skin, her better IQ, and her non-frazzled demeanor all have to go. She probably isn’t exercising more than you are, and she’s probably not a supermodel – that’s not boilerplate consolation for you; it’s literally the truth about most affairs.


The mistress’ perfections aren’t driving the affair. Your husband’s imperfections are, but your husband and the mistress likely don’t know that. You do. You have been present for every setback and disappointment that he encountered in your partnered lives together. You have been present for every time he compromised on what he thought he wanted out of life. Your presence is the mirror that reflects his true self accurately, and if he doesn’t like that self, he’s not going to like you much right now either. The mistress offers the funhouse mirror – one that he designed. He can reveal what he wants to reveal and be a new person without the baggage of those compromises and disappointments. This image is inaccurate, and it’s equally seductive to both your husband and the mistress.


Do you want to leave? Maybe you can't answer because you genuinely don't know. This question is easier to answer if your partner engaged in a short-term fling that had both a beginning and an end date with no future potential and no emotional entanglements.


But that’s not how mistresses work, is it?


The mistress is synonymous an actual affair in which there has been time invested and in which the emotional attachment is thriving. Yet, you can’t call it cheating right now because your husband may not think of it as cheating. Cheating, in his mind, is something that cheaters do…and he’s not that kind of man. No one said this was going to be logical.


Because of your husband’s choices with her, your marital future may not be so straightforward.


Divorce lawyers identify the holiday season and just after as "the mistress season," as mistresses often make themselves known, especially if the cheating husband decides to spend the holiday season in the marital home. The mistress is alone. She may be motivated to do something about it, such as issuing an ultimatum.

 

Regardless of what the mistress does, the faithful wife will likely find out about the affair sooner or later. When there are holiday gift receipts, for example, there is a higher likelihood of discovery. The receipt might reveal the affair, but so might a hairdresser or waiter, or the neighbor or a friend. Your husband himself might make the grand reveal.

 

The typical scenario is that the faithful partner finds the incriminating evidence, feels the emotional upheaval, and approaches the straying husband in this agitated – and highly unflattering - state. And why wouldn’t she? Confrontation is best….right?


Nope.


However justified the faithful wife's response may be, the unfaithful husband may weaponize her reaction: "See how you accuse me? You immediately think the worst. See how crazy you are? See how you never asked for my side?"


The faithful wife's reasonable outburst can become fodder for the unfaithful husband to justify the affair: "I go to my mistress to escape you and your behavior."

 

Each side grows more polarized into their defensive positions, and the divide grows wider. The situation grows worse when the mistress and the unfaithful spouse can now unite against the "crazy" wife – she brought it on herself, right? 


Remember that divorce lawyers can be expensive for both sides, especially if you don't have a prenuptial agreement in place.


What now? 

 

If you have discovered infidelity, here's your immediate – not long-range - game plan:

  1. You will not confront anyone, especially not the unfaithful husband. Find a safe place for your rage, grief, loneliness, and shame, such as a therapist's office, where confidentiality is assured.
  2. You will not tell your friends or family. We don't need additional third parties in this mess. These people may or may not know what is in your best interests. They have a high likelihood of advancing their own agendas, insecurities, and protective tendencies. 
  3. You will not say a word online, including the using cryptic inspirational quotes. Passive aggression is a bad look on everyone. 
  4. You will not mention divorce to anyone.
  5. You will say yes to as much self-care as you can fit into a day. Choose not to be the victim. Have your own back in this. 
  6. You will gather as much information as you can about the affair before making accusations or considering a direct confrontation.
  7. Meanwhile, focus on resuming all your interests and your duties at home and at work. 

You can rely on something intrinsic to being the faithful wife: you have a longstanding period of trust with your husband, even if he chose to trash it because of a midlife crisis or his failure to heal childhood wounds. Most likely, your cheating husband still trusts you and your time together more than he trusts his mistress, who has shown that she is fine with deceit. The mistress by comparison is a novel figure, full of mystery and therefore potential, which is the majority of her appeal. Capitalize on his trust right now; do not push his limits at this delicate juncture.


Use this time to present a postnuptial agreement calmly. At this time, you have said nothing about an affair or about divorce; keep it that way. Your cheating husband likely has some remorse over the betrayal, so he may be open to a better divorce outcome for you - if you approach him without drama and without accusations or assumptions.


Unfortunately, if you as the faithful wife act out with sadness or anger, the cheating husband may retreat further away from your trust bond. Similarly, if you try to control the situation, you will drive him further away, as Laura Doyle, author of the Empowered Wife Podcast, learned the hard way. Laura is a relationship coach and New York Times bestselling author who took her own advice when she was facing divorce and saved her marriage.

 

You, as the faithful wife, should ideally present a postnup that is favorable to you as a mom, even though child custody is specifically addressed by a formula managed by the court. The postnup is presented as merely an option, but an optimal one, since at some point in the future, you two may or may not divorce – make sure to state this practical position calmly and aloofly.


Interestingly in this regard, both you as the faithful wife and the mistress are united in a common position: your husband can get out of the marriage via this postnup. The burden is now on your cheating husband to find a resolution, one way or the other. 

 

If you do want to continue the marital relationship, realize that you are in a marketing campaign for your marriage. Marketing campaigns are image-based with curated messages that highlight some aspects on center stage while moving other facts to the rear stage. Decide where and how the spotlight should fall on you, and then act the part.


There is another burden on you in taking this strategy. You must adopt steps to protect yourself from you. At this level of betrayal and high stress, acting out is the last thing you want. Don’t become the crazy, awful persona that justifies your cheating husband’s perceptions. You can’t let yourself get to the point of snapping as acting out can kill any chance of reconciliation, and it can kick your self-esteem in the teeth. Laura Doyle offers group support and group coaching, both of which can restore sanity and functionality quickly.


Talking with a therapist or coach may show you that you don't want to stay with an unfaithful partner who might ditch you again and who has already cut away a chunk of your self-worth. Consider a marriage coach to assess the damage and to see what can be salvaged and to see if you, as the faithful spouse, want to continue the marital relationship.

 

*We know these terms have substantial baggage with a misogynistic history; in fact, all these terms are loaded (see this Dictionary.com article about these terms, which is NSFW reading, given the strong, explicit language).


Warning: All posts on this website and its partner website, DADvocacy.com, contain general information about legal matters for broad educational purposes only. This information is not legal advice and should not be treated as such. This blog post does not create any attorney-client relationship between the reader and the DADvocacy™ Law Firm or between the reader and JustPrenups.com.

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By 7107328235 March 27, 2025
A prenuptial or postnuptial agreement can save your business. Consider two dry cleaners, Ricky and Fred. Both thought they would be married to their wives until “death do they part.” Unfortunately, they both ended up divorced. Ricky walked out of divorce court personally and professionally ruined. Fred, while emotionally drained, was able to maintain and grow his successful business. Why the different outcomes? Ricky’s Story Ricky owned a dry cleaning business with Lucy, his wife of 19 years. Ricky was in charge of all aspects of the business, but Lucy did manage the company’s payroll and vendors part-time. Occasionally, she worked the front counter. For the most part, Lucy raised the children and cared for her elderly parents. When they decided to divorce, Ricky and Lucy were still civil and wanted their divorce to be amicable. Ricky and Lucy worked together, without lawyers, to craft a plan for sharing time with their teenage sons, and for sharing the family’s expenses. They also agreed to sell their house after their youngest son graduated high school. After a few months, and at the urging of a well-intentioned friend, Lucy hired a lawyer to write up the couples’ plan. Lucy’s main goal was to make sure the divorce ended fairly for her children. The lawyer, however, believed that since any small business owner could hide income, assets, or a company’s true value, then Ricky must be doing that too. Even though Lucy had a base of knowledge of the business’s finances, she trusted her lawyer and figured that he knew better. So, she agreed to his “scorched earth” strategy to protect her children. What is a “scorched earth strategy”? This is a common tactic to squeeze a business owner into a large and early settlement. The lawyer hires an accountant, and they go after every scrap of information and document pertaining to the company’s assets and liabilities, and they question it all—every argument and angle of attack is fair game. Much of the cost of providing the information and documents, and defending business decisions, must be paid by the business. Scared and desperate, Ricky lawyered up too. Unfortunately, Ricky’s lawyer couldn’t advise him on the settlement terms proposed by Lucy’s lawyer without conducting his own analysis of the company’s voluminous records. Much of the paper work involved in operating a dry cleaning business was foreign to him, and the stringent environmental regulations and reporting was overwhelming. Ricky’s lawyer had to hire his own accountant to help value the business for the divorce. Ricky and Lucy were now far from civil with one another, and the mud began to fly. Faced with dueling accountants, complicated and conflicting arguments about the business’s finances and value, and accusations against Ricky of financial wrongdoing, the family court judge appointed an independent forensic accountant to advise the court. The independent accountant saw that the business, which was the couple’s biggest asset, was crumbling because the ugly divorce was keeping Ricky from focusing on the business. The accountant was also worried about the accusations of financial wrongdoing by Ricky. So, on the independent accountant’s recommendation, the court appointed a receiver to operate and protect the dry cleaning business. Ricky and Lucy were now paying six different professionals, and trial was still months away. The receiver discovered that the company’s records did not comply with dry cleaning waste disposal regulations, and reported the non-compliance to government authorities. Ricky and Lucy blamed each other for the missing paperwork, and the sour relationship between them stalled and ultimately prevented joint efforts at an amnesty program and damage control. The business began to accrue daily statutory fines, employees were laid off, debts mounted, and the business eventually shut its doors while Ricky and Lucy continued to fight in divorce court. A year later, with no business to provide income for Ricky or Lucy, Ricky agreed to settle by paying Lucy more than half of his share of the house. Lucy accepted the offer, even though it was smaller then what she expected originally, because her share of the house was pledged to pay her lawyer’s fees. Fred’s Story Fred was married to Ethel for 22 years, and they have a daughter. Like Ricky and Lucy, Fred ran the business while Ethel was involved part-time in just certain aspects. But unlike Ricky and Lucy, when Fred bought his dry cleaning business nine years earlier, Fred and Ethel signed a postnuptial agreement to protect each other in case of divorce. The attorney-drafted agreement laid out a strict structure for evaluating and dividing the business, and for determining Fred’s true income for spousal and child support calculations. It identified and limited the financial information and documents that the business would have to disclose. It also required that the couple use a single neutral accountant (who would be paid from marital property and not by the company), to gather and evaluate that financial information and documentation. Early in the divorce, Ethel agreed that the postnuptial agreement was valid. She waived any right to ask the court to force the company to disclose more information or documents than described in the postnuptial agreement. This entitled Ethel to an immediate, fair, and higher award of support, thanks to a provision that she and Fred put in the agreement to encourage a quick resolution. Within a month, Fred and Ethel’s divorce was finalized, with minimal attorneys’ and accountant fees, and with no interference or intrusion into the dry cleaning business or operations. How could two similarly situated businesses and families leave divorce court with such different results? The first story is horrifying, but exceedingly common. Many states have onerous disclosure requirements that unnecessarily burden the time and finances of a small business. Unscrupulous divorce lawyers are trained to hone in and target a business owner’s fear of having the business’s confidential and financial information exposed to the world, to induce an early and usually unfair settlement. Fair and careful divorce lawyers will also want extensive company records, because they fear being liable for giving bad advice if they make recommendations without investigating the whole picture themselves. Either way, good lawyer or a bad one, smart judge or not, a case involving a small business can be very costly. The best way to avoid being a Ricky, is to get a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement like Fred. A good prenuptial or postnuptial agreement can render the most intrusive and damaging financial disclosures unnecessary, and can limit or attribute the related costs away from the business. In some situations, as shown above, they can save the business itself. If Ricky had a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement in place, maybe a receiver would not have been necessary, and Ricky and Lucy could have resolved the business’s regulatory problems confidentially without going out of business. Ricky and Fred were not wrong to believe in their marriages. A life-long commitment is not fanciful; it is a hopeful and beautiful goal. Most couples think they will reach that goal and that other couples will fill our country’s depressing divorce statistics. But consider this, we buy life insurance, install security systems, and wear seat belts “just in case.” They give us security even if we think that odds will always be in our favor. A careful and thorough prenuptial or postnuptial agreement can provide you, your spouse, and your business with security that all will be protected in a divorce, and that years of building a life and a business will not be burned to the ground. Chantale Suttle is the Managing Attorney and Founder of DADvocacy™ Law Firm, which is headquartered in Miami, Florida. She has been in the exclusive practice of family law for over 21 years and has served countless small business owners in divorce court. Drafting prenuptial and postnuptial agreements for small business owners is her favorite work.
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By 7107328235 January 15, 2025
Your fiancé or fiancée presented you with a prenuptial draft: will you sign it before you hear wedding bells? Now you need a review by an attorney to ensure that your assets and your future security are protected: welcome to JustPrenups' prenup review! JustPrenups now offers UPLOADR: quickly share your prenup draft easily from any device in multiples format through UPLOADR on our site - no scanning, no email. Once we receive your prenup draft, an attorney examines the prenup that you received and then meets with you for a free consultation on Zoom. We hold your document and its data in confidence, even if you don't retain us, per our ethical requirements.
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By 7107328235 December 26, 2024
Florida is a quirky place full of contrasts, and so is its family law. In particular, recent updates to Florida family law have changed the rules for alimony in Florida prenups. If your prenuptial agreement doesn't follow these changed rules, your prenup may not be valid and enforceable; as a result, you may be facing high financial stakes in divorce litigation that may put your assets at risk.
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